So here it goes.
The thing about long bus rides is that it gets me thinking.
Things that have been happening, things that have happened in the past and of what will happen in the future.
But the other the day i teared up in the bus because of one topic that have been haunting me.
The one thing that i think about everyday. And like most nights, i'll end up tearing because of this one thing.
The one thing that guilts every second of my existence on this Earth. The one thing that i've been neglecting.
Everyday i see people complaining about not having any girlfriend/boyfriend.
Everyday i see people talking about their ideal partner.
It makes me sick.
But everyday i question my relationship with God.
Everyday i am ashamed of calling myself a Muslim.
I'm too caught up with this world that i've forgotten about the consequence in the afterlife.
Everyday i ask myself, when will i ever repent.
I want a change. I need a change. For the better.
But there are things that i can't let go of.
And it kills me.
I have been wanting to observe the hijab but i don't feel like i deserve it.
Because of my past; the things i've done.
And of who i am now.
To me, a hijab is not a piece of cloth that you can just wear and then ditch it when you don't feel like wearing it anymore.
A hijab means more than that. I've seen plenty of girls do that and it makes me sick.
And when they're asked why, it's always the same answer. "I haven't found myself or i'm not ready".
To be honest, that's fucking bullshit.
If you haven't found yourself or if you're not ready, then why the hell did you wear it in the first place?!
A hijab is not to be worn halfheartedly.
I'm sorry but you only wore it as a fashion statement.
My mother always say, If you stop wearing hijab it's equivalent to you being naked.
I know i'm not one to talk about religion and God.
But ask yourself the same question.
I admit that i am ashamed of myself. Are you?
I guess that answers it.
We're too selfish and stubborn to admit our mistakes.
We indulge ourselves in the pleasure of this world that we forget the one God who created us.
Everyday we neglect his existence and instead, we create and worship the god created by man.
But hey, what is life without FAME, MONEY and SEX, right?!
Ignorance is bliss, no?
Fuck you.
Slowly but surely, i'm changing.
