Solitude

I'm possibly one of the worst friend ever. When I said I'll eventually banish everyone from my life, I wasn't kidding. Honestly, I didn't see this coming. But oh well, I'm probably too boring to hang out with or just unmemorable.

Or maybe because I suck as a person. Who knows. Whatever. 

Change

Blogging using my phone right now cause I'm too damn lazy to switch on my godforsaken laptop. 

Whatever. 

Anyway, I have found the thing that's making me want to change. It's a matter of committing to it now. Don't ask me what is it, just wait and see. 

Dear Father,

 

"Hey dad
I'm writing to you
not to tell you, that I still hate you
just to ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart"

This song never fail to bring tears to my eyes. It's like every single line was written to describe how i really feel and that is why i could relate to this song so much.

Sometimes i wonder what it's like to walk in your shoes. How does it feel like to walk out of our lives? How are you? Are you happy? How are the little kids?

It bloody hurts that you're out there somewhere and i can't reach out to you. It wouldn't hurt as much if you were gone from this world but the fact the you're still out there living, it kills me. Maybe things would have been better if you would've gotten rid of that ego of yours.

I've been living, fighting and protecting myself all these years and it's getting fucking tiring putting up a hard exterior. I am the bitch/asshole that i am today and i may not be liked by many because i refuse to take shit from people. I may come across as cold and heartless sometimes but you have no idea how fucking vulnerable i've been. It's tiring to fight and be strong when you have all of these problems weighting on your shoulders.

Sometimes i wish i could just call you up and talk to you and tell you about my problems, the kind of shit that i've been in. But i guess we're better off this way. Maybe this is god's way of testing me. And maybe i haven't been blessed with a good/easy life so that i'd learn how to appreciate every single thing in life. And i do, i thank god that i'm still here living, no matter how hard it gets.

"I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes 

but those are just a long lost memory of mine 

I spent so many years learning how to survive 

Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive"

P.S. Happy Birthday and i miss you.

21

You know what sucks about being 21?
You're in that age where you have to think of boring grown up stuff and you're forced into having these awkward conversations with your mother or relatives. Which in my case, the topic of marriage have become quite the popular conversation piece. I hate it when my mother start nagging about being prepared for the married life, that i should really start learning how to cook and clean. Well, the cooking for the most part.

Sometimes I don't understand why my mother can't see that there is a possibility that I may never want to get married. I've seen what man can and will do. I've heard all these bullshit about not all men are the same but until i met the one than we'll talk.

For now, I'm just wanna concentrate on me. 

I have nothing against men or anything. It's just that the men - my father and my brother - i had in my life are such assholes. Maybe these feelings of not wanting to commit could be due to the unfortunate childhood events i had to go through. Or maybe it's the fear of trust. I just don't want to go through the same shit again.


I need to learn to let go of the past.

You are the Earth beneath my feet // You are my gravity

My pillar of strength. 

Let's put our middle fingers up in the air (or maybe just mine) and say FUCK YEAH and FUCK YOU to the people who looked down on you or us. People may come and go but you have been by my side since the day I was born. Today wouldn't have happen if it wasn't for all your support. Although times are hard and we might not have all the fine things in life, your support have made me strive and fight to do what I love and for a better future.

Today wasn't only about me, it's for you as well. I hope i have made you proud. And I know posting this wont make any sense but it's for me to look back and remind myself that you are my priority in life. It's time I pay you back. Love you, Maa.