"I want to be there when you're happy
I want to love you when you're sad
Can't stand the morning rain?
Get out I'll take your place then
Can't stand the blazing sun?
Then close your eyes you'll see
The angel dust"
- Tarantula - Smashing Pumpkins
I hate it when i'm moody. People around me get affected and hate me. All i can remember is that i use to be a quiet girl that keep herself in her room all day, afraid to go out to face the world. Ever since i know these people, everything seems to change. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm this loud, chatty girl and i'm not this shy girl that i used to be. Then right now, I just break down and cry. Not knowing what i'm crying for.
I don't know whether it's about SingFest or is it just my mood swings or my father or am i just crazy. I suddenly feel like breaking down and just giving up my life. Like how i used to be. I know you guys would be like, "go talk to your mother about it. maybe you will feel better." No! i will not be better. I don't talk to my mother about my problem. She too busy working just to feed us. I'm not that kinda girl that treat my mother like my best friend. Like talking about my problems in school, or that boy who is stalking me. No, i don't do that. I'm used to keeping it inside of me. But now, it's hard to be that way again.
You know, i thought i WOULD be ok giving up my tickets. But now, it's just so hard to believe that i'm not going to the fest. I know i'm doing this for my mother but... It's hard to explain it here. That's another thing. The other thing is the common test. Why must we be in school? Why can't we be born as geniuses? I know i have no rights to say that but think about it. Why must we be lectured by our teachers about our behaviours. Why do teachers have to know that my parents are divorce and that i have to be thankful that i was given an opportunity to go to school? And why do teachers have to shout at me out of the class just to make it clear that my parents are divorced and i still have to study? Do you know how stressing it is to cope with my studies where i'm facing problems at home? I know that you're trying to make me study. But it's just isn't working, Miss Hamidah. Maybe it's because that you reminded me of my dad. I was never related to that man! Now stop telling me that he still care about me. 'Cause he don't.
It's hard just to see other families so happy together. Sure i can have anything in the world. But i can never get a happy family. Kids go out with thier families on holidays where i'm glued at home because my mom have to work. It's just isn't fair! Why me?! Why can't it be some filthy rich kid's parents? WHY ME?! Why do i have to feel jealous towards other people live? Why do i have to be the one that feels so left out whenever my friends talk about their father or their family? Why do i have to pretend that i am alright outside but all torn up inside? Why?
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To Madden & Baby
Thank you for making me feel better, guys.
And thank you for understanding my feelings.
If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't know who
to turn to. You guys are really good friends to
me. Without you guys, i wouldn't be all loud
and annoying. :) Thank you for being there
for me.
I love you guys. :)
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To A.keys
A.keys, I want you to get better ok? I miss
having conversations with you. Come back to
school soon ok? Thanks for the offer though.
But no thanks. Don't get me wrong. :)
Oh, and i love you too. :)
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Happy Stalking!
.e.n.d.
Always is, never was
