Doppelganger.

"So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal"
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace

I'm changing again. I'm back to the way i used to be. I'm changing to a person who i don't want to be. A person that i never want to be but there's no way of escaping it. Like, it's taking over me. I never want this. I thought i have change, but she kept on coming back to me.
It's like, i was curse to have her in me all my life.

I thought i have left that other side of me ages ago. I never thought she would come back and take over my life again. I remembered how i use to be. I was never happy. I never smile. I was cold, numb. I was always depress. I always kept things to myself. I was a pessimist. I never really talk to people. I was a social outcast. I was suicidal. I used to cut my myself. I had Synyster Gates' name scrawled across my arm, for fuck's sake! I was gullible. I did things without thinking about it first.

But then i came to my senses. I had to change. I had to grow up. And i did change. I was happy. I was smiling again. I learned to appreciate things. I could feel. I had emotions. But i was still unsociable - i figured that it was something i'm stuck with. But still, i was OK. I was whole. I was somebody else. Someone different. Someone the opposite of me.

But then something happened, and she came back knocking on my doors. Little did i knew, she was conquering me again. I had no choice but to her let take over me. Because i'm coward enough to face reality. Coward enough to be in the situation i'm in right now.


This could be the last of.... me.

.e.n.d.

Anguished.

FUCK!
Every single time when i look at myself in the mirror, i feel like stabbing a knife through my throat.
I feel like i don't deserve to be alive any more.
I feel like slashing every appendage on my body.
I fucking feel like shoving my hand in my mouth and pull out every single organ in my body.
I hate seeing my mother like this.
I fucking wish i could make things right again.
And i know that ought to be my death.
Fuck this life!

Dear God,

i wish i was dead.
I don't wish to make my mother suffer because of me.
And also the people around me.
And that my death would be the end of their suffering.



.d.e.a.d.

Noah.

"And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones
And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there
Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church
Where they can pump this venom gaping hole
And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat
And if they come and get me
What if you put the spike in my heart"
- Vampires Will Never Hurt You - My Chemical Romance

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This part is pure CRAP. Read if only you're interested.
I've warn ya! So don't fucking complain!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Today wasn't like any other day for me. I woke up this morning and found myself staring infront of the computer reading an article about Noah. Yeah, that patriarch from the Bible who built a ship(Noah's Ark) in which he, his family, and animals of every species survived the Flood. Last night, i saw this movie, Evan Almighty, right than and there i wanted to find out more about Noah. And it's interesting how his story was told. As much as i'd like to share the story, i'm afraid that would only bore you people. Go read about him at Wikipedia, he's one interesting man. God, i sound so geeky.

After reading about Noah(Nabi Nuh), i read about his sons, Cain and Abel, whose story i have already read. At that time i didn't knew who their father was. Founding out that Noah was thier father, i understand their story much more better. It's so cool that Noah died at the age of 950. After reading about Noah and his sons, i moved on to Adam and Eve, Moses, Muhammad, Gabriel, Satan, Satanism and i also read a little bit about Christianity and Judaism, which are a lot like Islam.

I don't want to talk about religion that much 'cause that might trigger a problem. Especially if i got anything wrong, that would only upset people. Besides, i don't think i know about them that much either. So you know, it's quite interesting reading about these things. I've always like reading about these kind of things.

I read too much! Gah!

-------------------------
Moving On...
-------------------------

I am suddenly going ballistic about the N level result. Lisa and i have been talking a lot about it lately and it's so frightening just thinking about it. I can't picture how i am going to react to my results. Whether if i have passed or failed. Whether if i'm going to seconday 5 or ITE. It's just too blood curdling. Sometimes i even shudder just thinking about it.

I seriously don't know how i will react to my results. I have no idea how my future's gonna be like. Ah, this is fucking killing me inside! I hate it when it comes to this kind of situation.


.e.n.d.

I ♥ MJ

He converted to Islam. This ought to be interesting.

Agoraphobic

I think i'm suffering from agoraphobia.


...


This is not good.

Envious.

"You gotta shady reputation
From bed to bed to man to man
Once you deliver your temptation
No one can stop your master plan
Don’t try to lie about it
I don’t believe a thing you say
The more you try to hide it
The more the lies show on your face "
- Dangerous Kind - The Rasmus


Well, yesterday was an unfruitful day for me. Spent the whole morning cleaning the whole house and by 12 i was done. And i still had 12 hours in my hands before turning myself in. So i decided to watch all of the Avenged's DVDs i bought - All Excess, Live In LBC and Making the Album. There was nothing good to watch on the TV and none of the movies on HBO were related to my likings. They show a lot of old movies. I don't mind watching old movies, but some of them are... inadequate? Some are really slow and some are just plain boring. But i like one movie in particular, Wayne's World. Damn hilarious. I'd recommend you people to watch it.

I'm fucking bored just staying at home all the time. If only my mother would allow me to have a job. Atleast that way, i wouldn't be wasting my time. With my brother married and Lisa in Australia, i have nobody to talk to. My younger brother is a whole other story. With two of my closest people gone, I think i'll go insane.

Me and my younger brother, we don't relate to each other very well. He's always out and when he's home, he'll be in fornt of the TV playing game or watching soccer, wrestling and some other uneducational programmes. Sometimes because of him, i'd miss watching my programmes. Fucking fustrating! The TV in the living room is only for my mother whenever she's at home. Yes, only she watches the TV in the living room whenever she's around. That's the rule. So by the time my programme starts, she'd already got home from work. So i had to constantly fight with my brother over the TV. And i hate it whenever he won.

Apart from that, i've been making love with my guitar and drawing and also reading. Here are the drawings. Enjoy. :)



I did this for my N-level art exam. But got disapproved because of "no originality". Bummer.

I'm fucking proud of this one. :D

Synyster Gates. :)

Johnny Christ.

The Reverend Tholomew Plague. I love this one.

M. Shadows

Zacky Vengeance. Not satisfied with this one.

Lauri Ylönen. The lead singer from The Rasmus.

Amy Lee. I'm not very happy about this one. Her eyes makes it look all wrong.
Whatever it is, i'm keeping this one.


My mother. When she was younger. Another of my favourites.

My brother and sister-in-law. Not really done yet.
Can't see the shading that well, 'cause my brother didn't want it to be too dark.


.e.n.d.

Obama! Obama!

"And as a race we look back and we’ve come so far.
While some may conquer, the others had it so hard.
But instead we just complain while there’s no one for us to fight.
I guess we’re bored and that's how we keep us occupied"
- The Fight - Avenged Sevenfold

Howdy! I have no idea why my elder brother is getting all excited on Obama being the new president. And he even kept on chanting,"Obama! Obama!" It's fucking hilarious just watching him. I can only give him the 'big-deal' face. And surprisingly, it is a big deal to him. How ironic!

Soon after, he explained to me why i should be excited. He said that the president of America is the most powerful person in the world. And that, we are all affected by it. Our life will change. Everything won't be the same anymore. And then he continued on chanting, "Obama! Obama!". He was so zealous when he spoke. I could only shook my head and laughed at him. So hilarious.

And in just 4 days he's getting married. Time seemed like a blur to me. The house's gonna be so quite without him around. No more loud music in the middle of the night. No more hip hopping around the house,actually, that's one good thing though. But i'm really gonna miss his nonsensical jokes. Though, he should thank me for getting so obsess over Heroes.

Yes, we are obsessed over Heroes. Just last sunday Star World had this Heroes season 2 marathon because season 3 will begin tomorrow, 6 November. I decided to watch it all over again because the last time i watched, i missed the last few episodes. And while i was watching, he decided to join and got hooked. We were glued infornt of the TV almost the whole day. And at one point i wanted to take a shower but i can't. So i waited for the advertisement. And i was literally rushing the whole way through. I was running around the house, my mother thought i was crazy. I didn't even dried my hair properly before putting on my clothes. And when i got out of the toilet my back was all wet. It was crazy.

We didn't eat, drink or pee. Until at one point of time, my brother had no choice but to buy food because we haven't eaten. He was so pissed off at it that he download the whole of season 2 and 1. It's great having someone so obsess with the same thing as you. And he would often scream and squirm on how he can't wait for Thursday in his sissy voice. Like how i scream and squirm about the Avenged Sevenfold gig. Yeah, just like that. Imagine how gay it'd sound. He's one hell of a brother.

____________________________________
Sherry said: why BATMAN?!
BATMAN said: why that fag face?
Sherry said: fair enough.

I had Syn's face as my display picture when he said that. I don't how why Shanzee hate Synyster Gates that much that he called him a fag face. What the hell, ZEE?!

.e.n.d.

Posting...

Will post something real soon!

Baby Teddy.

Howdy! Since i'm still wide awake and Fadzlon feels like burning my blog 'cause i haven't been updating, i shall update my blog today.

Today was alright. We had this class gathering thingy going on. To tell you the truth, it wasn't that 'happening'. But i had fun talking and gossiping with Fadzlon, Mira, John and Khalil. Before going for the pit, me and Mira went to City Hall to search for the Avenged Sevenfold DVD. After spending some time at HMV, i've gotten what i wanted. We then decided to walk around because it was too early to go for the pit.

It happens that i haven't even drank or eaten anything since morning, so i was craving to have something to drink. So we went to Starbucks. After walking around and around, 'cause we weren't suppose to have any food or drinks in the train, we manage to finish our drink. Then we headed off to the pit. By the time we reached there, it was already 7. So at that point of time, i've only had one glass of white chocolate mocha frappuccino(however you spell it) with whipped cream.

And i'm telling you this because i'm freaking pissed off with Baby Teddy. I fucking hate that bastard. He was this boy whom i have no idea who he was. And Fadzlon came up with the name Baby Teddy. Fucking hilarious lor! Woah, he eats like a _________. I don't even have a word to describe how he was like. Yes it was that bad. He eats a lot. I don't mind that. And i don't want to be rude but, from where i've grown up, i am taught that whenever we eat, we should also think about the other people. I'm sure your parents have also taught you that.

I only got to eat one hotdog. Why? Because Baby Teddy kept eating the food. I don't mind if he eats, but atleast have the initiative to help us cook lah. Only know to eat only! He can still sit far away from us. Scared if people ask for his food! Perangai orang gemok sia!

Wah pissed off sia with that boy. Then i gave up helping Fadzlon cooking, 'cause i know that Baby Teddy guy would finish it all. I decided to join Mira at the water breaker. That was when i find it so depressing to be in that place. Siting there in silence, it made me feel so depress. Yes, it was nice and peaceful. But there's something depressing about it. So i decided to head back to the tents and joined Fadzlon, John and Khalil.

Talked about some random stuff that came out of nowhere and gossiping about Baby Teddy. Then Mira joined us. Aftter we talk and talk and talk, we, except for khalil, decided to head back home. As soon as i reached home, straight away took a shower and thank god there was food. It seemed like i was globbling down the food without even chewing. Ok, i might have exaggerate little bit too much there. But I was gobbling down the food that my mother told me to slow down. I then told her that i only had one hotdog and one white chocolate mocha frappuccino all because of that Baby Teddy. Grr, screw that kid! But after a few spoonful of 'nasi goreng'(fried rice) my stomach got upset. 'Cause, my perot masuk angin. Woah damn pissed off with that Baby Teddy guy siak.

See lah, all because of that Baby Teddy guy, my English is so broken. Pissed off, really pissed off. I think he has a wall for a face. Ah, talking about this Baby Teddy guy made me lost my mood!

.e.n.d.