I'll be hanging by the window now.

Goodbye.

But it's only that one band.

Hi. Will update soon.
Bye.

"I'm over-existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired to care that I got to go."


- Zzyxz Rd.

To be honest, this is what i want to do in life. To paint and draw my life away. I don't mind living poor but as long as i'm happy. And drawing and painting gives me that; happiness.

I love waking up and the first thing i think about is drawing/painting. And when i paint, it feels as if the whole world stops and my mind goes blank. Like there's nothing to worry about. Like the whole world is a better place. I know this sounds exaggerated, but that's how i feel. I don't know. You'll get what i mean when you found the one thing that makes you happy.

It's hard sometimes always being the odd one out. You're always made fun of and people always talk about you and won't take you seriously. Sometimes it feels like i'm living in a world of my own and it's hard to communicate with people. It's hard to relate to people, hard to make them understand you. And all i can do is to distance myself from them. It's not that i don't try, i tried but i'm tired. Tired of trying to fit in. Tired of making people understand me.

And that's why i turn to drawing/painting. 'Cause it's the one thing where i can pour my feelings out. I'd rather spend hours sitting by myself and paint than go out gallivanting. I know i sound like a lonesome loser but who cares?

To The Future

Dear future me, here is a list of what you should be doing, have done, or at least trying to do in 5 to 10 years time down the road. I wanna write it down on paper but it's the 21st century already. Also, don't delete this blog, even if you don't ever wanna blog again, just leave it dead.

• By now you should be earning your own monies already. If you're still feeding on mother's money, then shame on you. 

• Never work for the government except if you're teaching then that's fine. Do not fall into the hands of the corporate world

• If you're ever in love, in a relationship or getting married, make sure he has a mustache or beard or at least a stubble. 'Cause beards and mustaches are cool. If he doesn't have one, ask him to grow one. If he doesn't want to, then he's not the one.

• Get out of Singapore at least once.

• You're still drawing and painting and at least have sold one artwork.

• You're still playing music. At least have an improvement on the piano, yes?

• You're still rocking out to Avenged Sevenfold and still go for gigs.

• Listen to more folk music

• Do not sell your soul to the pop culture.

• If you're listening to KPOP, go kill yourself.

• You're number one priority is your mother. If you're ever moving out, at least visit her once a week, talk to her everyday even if it's for a minute, ask how she is. Remember, she has been with you since day one even when things get fucked up. Make sure she has a roof above her head.

• If you ever made up with father, good for you. But never rely on him. And if you haven't, do not keep grudges. It's rots up your heart. Forgive him and thank him for leaving. 'Cause you've learn't how hard life can be.

• You're cooking your own dinner

• Always be humble.

• Never lose your faith in god.

• You're doing what you love to do

Never ever ever, lose yourself. Do not stray to far from your roots. Be who you want to be and follow your heart, nothing will ever go wrong. Be yourself, even if you don't fit in, it's fine not to be common.

And if nothing good is happening for you, don't lose faith. 

This world is only temporary.

Been wanting to blog about this but i kept putting it on hold just 'cause it's a sensitive topic.
So here it goes.

The thing about long bus rides is that it gets me thinking.
Things that have been happening, things that have happened in the past and of what will happen in the future.
But the other the day i teared up in the bus because of one topic that have been haunting me.
The one thing that i think about everyday. And like most nights, i'll end up tearing because of this one thing.
The one thing that guilts every second of my existence on this Earth. The one thing that i've been neglecting.

Everyday i see people complaining about not having any girlfriend/boyfriend.
Everyday i see people talking about their ideal partner.
It makes me sick.

But everyday i question my relationship with God.
Everyday i am ashamed of calling myself a Muslim.

I'm too caught up with this world that i've forgotten about the consequence in the afterlife.
Everyday i ask myself, when will i ever repent.
I want a change. I need a change. For the better.
But there are things that i can't let go of.
And it kills me.

I have been wanting to observe the hijab but i don't feel like i deserve it.
Because of my past; the things i've done.
And of who i am now.

To me, a hijab is not a piece of cloth that you can just wear and then ditch it when you don't feel like wearing it anymore.
A hijab means more than that. I've seen plenty of girls do that and it makes me sick.
And when they're asked why, it's always the same answer. "I haven't found myself or i'm not ready".
To be honest, that's fucking bullshit.

If you haven't found yourself or if you're not ready, then why the hell did you wear it in the first place?!
A hijab is not to be worn halfheartedly.
I'm sorry but you only wore it as a fashion statement.
My mother always say, If you stop wearing hijab it's equivalent to you being naked.

I know i'm not one to talk about religion and God.
But ask yourself the same question.
I admit that i am ashamed of myself. Are you?

I guess that answers it.
We're too selfish and stubborn to admit our mistakes.
We indulge ourselves in the pleasure of this world that we forget the one God who created us.
Everyday we neglect his existence and instead, we create and worship the god created by man.

But hey, what is life without FAME, MONEY and SEX, right?!
Ignorance is bliss, no?

Fuck you.

Slowly but surely, i'm changing.

Week 5

I'm freaking out!

I'm turning 20 in 29 days and it's bugging me.

The fact that i'm still schooling and not helping my mother financially.

And I'm always financially unstable.

Urgh. 

I'm literally starving myself just to save money for a gig i've been waiting for like forever.

Fucking pathetic.

And of all things, my one and only boots is starting to fall apart. T_T

Fucking patehtik.

I'm not ready to turn 20.

And i certainly don't feel like i'm 20.

Week 4

Borrowed this book just today and i'm already 1/3 done with it.
I want to marry the author can?!

I will see you in February.
I don't fucking care.

Lately my emotions have been taking over me.
Have been repulsive and just all over the place.
I don't know why and i don't like it.
I ended up crying, last night, for reasons unknown and it's ridiculous.
Maybe it's my self-esteem? My mood swings?
It's hard when you don't even know what's wrong with yourself.
I'm just sick and tired of social cliques.
Maybe it's school? Maybe it's you?
I don't know.

Evanescence is coming to Singapore on 27 Feb and i couldn't be more ecstatic.
The only problem is money and i'm doing everything that i could to raise money.
No matter what it is, i'm going. I have to go.
Waited 6 years for this.
I can't just let it pass.

Week 2

My kind of love story.
Read this just cause Christine Feehan told me to.
Love her books.

Week 1

So here is the deal.

I have decided to start reading books again.

To pay up my neglectedness of books for the past two years.

Gonna finish a book every week, if possible.
Or at least finish it before it's due date.
I plan to finish at least 10 books this year.
I am able to finish a book within a week but i know i won't have the time to read every week.
So... gonna start small and at least finish 10 books before the year end.
The more, the better.

Week 1

Yes, vampires...
Like you don't know me already.

Change.
If not now, then when?
I admit that change is hard.
But i'm gonna try my best at it.

Yes, i am lazy to think of words to write about the new year.
Just change the date to 1/1/2012, yeah.
But feel free read the whole post here.

Yes, i know. I am always against the majority. But that is just me.
I don't think that just 'cause it's the new year, i have changed.
The sad fact is that, i am still me and you are still you.