Doppelganger.

"So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal"
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace

I'm changing again. I'm back to the way i used to be. I'm changing to a person who i don't want to be. A person that i never want to be but there's no way of escaping it. Like, it's taking over me. I never want this. I thought i have change, but she kept on coming back to me.
It's like, i was curse to have her in me all my life.

I thought i have left that other side of me ages ago. I never thought she would come back and take over my life again. I remembered how i use to be. I was never happy. I never smile. I was cold, numb. I was always depress. I always kept things to myself. I was a pessimist. I never really talk to people. I was a social outcast. I was suicidal. I used to cut my myself. I had Synyster Gates' name scrawled across my arm, for fuck's sake! I was gullible. I did things without thinking about it first.

But then i came to my senses. I had to change. I had to grow up. And i did change. I was happy. I was smiling again. I learned to appreciate things. I could feel. I had emotions. But i was still unsociable - i figured that it was something i'm stuck with. But still, i was OK. I was whole. I was somebody else. Someone different. Someone the opposite of me.

But then something happened, and she came back knocking on my doors. Little did i knew, she was conquering me again. I had no choice but to her let take over me. Because i'm coward enough to face reality. Coward enough to be in the situation i'm in right now.


This could be the last of.... me.

.e.n.d.

Anguished.

FUCK!
Every single time when i look at myself in the mirror, i feel like stabbing a knife through my throat.
I feel like i don't deserve to be alive any more.
I feel like slashing every appendage on my body.
I fucking feel like shoving my hand in my mouth and pull out every single organ in my body.
I hate seeing my mother like this.
I fucking wish i could make things right again.
And i know that ought to be my death.
Fuck this life!

Dear God,

i wish i was dead.
I don't wish to make my mother suffer because of me.
And also the people around me.
And that my death would be the end of their suffering.



.d.e.a.d.

Noah.

"And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones
And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there
Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church
Where they can pump this venom gaping hole
And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat
And if they come and get me
What if you put the spike in my heart"
- Vampires Will Never Hurt You - My Chemical Romance

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This part is pure CRAP. Read if only you're interested.
I've warn ya! So don't fucking complain!
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Today wasn't like any other day for me. I woke up this morning and found myself staring infront of the computer reading an article about Noah. Yeah, that patriarch from the Bible who built a ship(Noah's Ark) in which he, his family, and animals of every species survived the Flood. Last night, i saw this movie, Evan Almighty, right than and there i wanted to find out more about Noah. And it's interesting how his story was told. As much as i'd like to share the story, i'm afraid that would only bore you people. Go read about him at Wikipedia, he's one interesting man. God, i sound so geeky.

After reading about Noah(Nabi Nuh), i read about his sons, Cain and Abel, whose story i have already read. At that time i didn't knew who their father was. Founding out that Noah was thier father, i understand their story much more better. It's so cool that Noah died at the age of 950. After reading about Noah and his sons, i moved on to Adam and Eve, Moses, Muhammad, Gabriel, Satan, Satanism and i also read a little bit about Christianity and Judaism, which are a lot like Islam.

I don't want to talk about religion that much 'cause that might trigger a problem. Especially if i got anything wrong, that would only upset people. Besides, i don't think i know about them that much either. So you know, it's quite interesting reading about these things. I've always like reading about these kind of things.

I read too much! Gah!

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Moving On...
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I am suddenly going ballistic about the N level result. Lisa and i have been talking a lot about it lately and it's so frightening just thinking about it. I can't picture how i am going to react to my results. Whether if i have passed or failed. Whether if i'm going to seconday 5 or ITE. It's just too blood curdling. Sometimes i even shudder just thinking about it.

I seriously don't know how i will react to my results. I have no idea how my future's gonna be like. Ah, this is fucking killing me inside! I hate it when it comes to this kind of situation.


.e.n.d.

I ♥ MJ

He converted to Islam. This ought to be interesting.