That painting of you will always remain incomplete.

Oh hai!
Ever wonder why i never really post that much these days?
One reason is school, understand, understood. Another reason is my ever deteriorating vocabulary. I haven't been reading that much ever since poly started. And as far as i can remember, i haven't completed a book during the past year or two. SIP starts next year and not cool sia if my english still like rojak. Hais...

Still aiming for that internship to India. But meh, don't think i can ever afford it.
It's sad, really, when you're so close to achieving your dream but there's always that one thing standing in your way. My one thing is always money. Everything fucking time. Money have been disabling me to do what i'm best at and there's nothing i can do but to let go of my dreams and goals.

But....
My main intention of blogging today is.....


TTTTAAADDDDDAAA......

Happy Birthday, Fucker!
Sorry i only have this picture of the two of us together but it's ks!
We'll forever be 17 hor. And i look so cool here, pls!
I know times have changed and i have changed but we are always the same together!
I miss the never ending stupid jokes, the quick movie outings (yes, we watch movie then go home. 'Cause we cool ok! We don't waste monies hanging out at far away island or high class cafe), the cheapskate food (ananas nasi lemak), etc...
I thank god for creating people like her. Believe me when i say that i don't normally get along with other girls that well but she is an exception. And i am truly grateful to have people like her in my life.

There's this saying that, the people you mix around affects the person you've become. And it's safe to say that i have chosen the right group of friends.

Look down on me for all i care.
It's ok.
Just 'cause your life is easy right now, don't think it will stay the same forever.
Know that God is always watching and could take everything you have in a blink of an eye.
I know i haven't been blessed with an easy life.

But just you wait and see.

The sad thing about growing up is that, we become the person we said we never want to be.
And well, I've changed.
You've changed.
So, what now?

You know what?

I don't think i will ever succeed in life.

I don't think i will ever get to see my mother happy.

I will never get to be what i want to be.

Or move to Europe. 

Forget Europe, i don't even think i will be able to live a simple and easy life, ever.

All my life I've been facing problems after problems.

Family, home, school.

And i'm tired of fighting my feelings.

For once, i just wanna be happy.

I'm not asking for much.

Just a simple life.

O_O
I'm wanna learn to play this song no matter how long it will take me.
Don't matter if it's gonna take me months, years or until the day i die.
I must learn this song.

Dear mom,
I WILL make you proud.
No man or person will bring me down.

Yes i know i look fucking retarded and i look like i don't have a neck but....
I am fucking proud that my work got exhibited!
Aside from that, i stalked an Italian and French architect during the exhibition.
Hais... So fun!

You know what i want?
A really fat cat.
A FUCKING FAT CAT!
Just so i could laze around and do nothing with it.
And i'm pretty sure it will never leave my side 'cause it's too fat to run away.
So i would not be alone all the time.
Maybe all i need is a fat cat.
'Cause i'm tired of people.

I really want a fat cat.

It's 3.45 in the morning and here i am, tearing.
I don't know if it's because of the songs i'm listening too, the things i've read or the things i've thought of.
I don't know.
I don't know what my heart wants or feels right now.
It's frustrating when i can't even figure out myself sometimes.
Maybe it's the mood swings. Or is it just me?
Or maybe it's you?
See?

Are you reading this?

I'M SO HAPPY UNTIL PIGS ARE FLYING.
:)

Hard work paid off!
k bye!

Good music makes me happy. :)
I want to run away to Italy and live my whole life there.
Forse un giorno.

ps. the video have nothing to do with italy. it's spanish by the way.

My weekends and public holidays does not exist.
So don't you dare say i do not have the time for you,
'Cause i don't even have the bloody time for myself. 
Good day,sir

Time flies, no?
It's only the first week and i'm beyond exhausted.
I seriously am afraid of what's to come for P2.

The Other Amy

The One With The Other Amy

Gone. Just like that.
Got so much inspirations from her.
Loved her voice. Nothing beats her.
This hurts just as much as when Rev left.

Trying to avoid FB for now.
It seems like all people post is about her and her songs.
Yeah, SUDDENLY people start listening to her. Fuck off.

If you haven't had a hint of sarcasms in that last few sentences, then you're one of those assholes.

I know i haven't been blogging much.

Ever since school started, i haven't had a grasp of time for myself.

But yesterday night was fun. It's fun to see the two people who never fail to make me laugh.

And Harry Potter.

P2 starts in a week's time. And Ramadan too.

Won't be Raya-ing, this year tho.

P2's gonna lasts for 2 months, and by the time Raya comes, it'd be the crucial part of P2.

It's ok, there's always Raya next year.

School comes first. Sorry.

I never said living the life of a designer was easy.

Prove me wrong.
And teach me how to love and trust again.

SIMPLE AND MINIMAL
That's my design style for now.
Like you haven't notice it by now.

There's a part of me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

I'm married to loneliness.

I was playing around with Photoshop last night and ended up making that banner.
I wanna get back to web designing.
Used to spend hours learning tricks and technique of Photoshop all by myself.
Now i can't even remember a single thing about HTMLs.
I think i'm gonna start learning from scratch again.

So this is how it feels, huh?
To care for someone.
It's fucking tiring thinking about you everyday.
And it just sucks that I can't do anything about it.
I never want to jeopardise our friendship.
But keeping it inside is driving me insane.
I don't want to lose you.
I just want to be with you.
I don't know. This is not me.
You bring out the vulnerable side of me.

See, this is what happens when it's 3.40 in the morning and I can't go to sleep.
Should have gotten a diary.
This is not me. Fuck!

He reminds me of someone.
Someone who came and left.
Glad to know that someone.

Ok, i've made a plan.
I would only start backpacking and traveling, only when my mother is gone (touch wood!).
I've made a promise to myself that i would take care of her until she lay in peace.
There's no one else left here but her.
So what's the point of staying when she's gone?

I've never thought of settling down.
I've seen what my mom had went through and i don't think i'm as strong as her.
I'm afraid. Until today, i still think that all men are the same.
I want to travel. I want to see the world.

But we'll see what god have planned for me.
Whatever it is, i'm still leaving.

So there's this study trip to Spain during the 2 weeks break.
SPAIN
Apparently it's for the IAD and RHD but they have a few seats for EVD.
But the thing is we have to fork out about $2800 not including our own expenses - shopping and meals.
:(
Besides, my passport is dead. And where to dig up $2800?! So no point in dreaming of going to Spain.
But hais... I really wanna see and study Spain's architecture.

This breaks my heart.
I hate the fact that money is ALWAYS standing in the way of my dreams.
:(

So i told my mom the other day that i don't want to live and work in Singapore.
And do you know what she said?

"Can, only if we move to India."

Really? Of all places, she wants to live in India?!
But she was really skeptical about the whole idea of living aboard.
I don't know, when i was younger, i'd always dream of living abroad.
But now, i'm seriously considering it.
I'm 19, i'm allowed to make my own decisions right?

But...

Ciao. Come stai?
Io sono a scuola.
Sono le dieci di sera.
Mi piace molto Italiana.
Io voglio abitare in Italia.
Mi annoio!
Ciao!

"Theres no i in team 
no me in us 
no you in we"

 - Hellogoodbye

JailBird says:
*you are not appreciating your capability..
*whats important is, you should be grateful that with your hardwork, you deserve to stand where you are standing now..

I don't know about you but i think this asshole have become more wiser.

I'm afraid that if i get too over confident with myself, i will lose myself.
Afraid that i'd become a big headed, arrogant bitch.
That is why i'm always standing low.
But i'm tired of being too humble, people don't appreciate me.
Motherfuckers.
But it's okay, gonna keep on doing what i do best and fuck what people think of me.
I don't need your fucking opinion.

Excuse my French.
FarahFatin, you know what to do if i ever become a big headed, arrogant bitch.

It's amazing how yesterday i was at my highest high and today, i'm at my lowest low.
And it's all because of the people around me.
You made me broke down. Literally made me cry like i haven't in a million years.
All because of who i am.
I know i'm not perfect, i'm not pretty, i don't smile all the time, i'm fat, i'm worthless.
I know that. Can you people just let me be?
I was happy with who i am.
But now, i'm fighting myself.



"Never judge a book by it's cover"
"What matter most is the inside not the outside"
These are merely words people use carelessly.
I guess human beings are best at judging people.

On The Right Track

School's been fine. Nothing much to talk about really.
I'm starting to really get a hang of Italian.
I cannot keep my eyes off my Italian teacher.
But i can't help but to stare at him and go gaga.
So most of the time i keep my head down and my eyes on my book.
When i have to answer his questions, god, it's one of the most difficult multi-tasking thing to do;
To look at his face, and to think of an answer in Italian.
His smile... Oh my gosh!
Not cool. Not cool.
But learning Italian is fun.
Sad it's only for 4 weeks.

So i got news from Malcom today and apparently i got selected for some URA, urban design thingy.
Don't know how to react to it tho. Gonna give it a shot and try to gain some experience.
All of these for my future, i guess.
Seriously, i don't know where i am standing right now.
I never consider myself as one of the best students.
I still feel intimidated being around some of my course mates.
But for all i know, i'm giving a hundred percent of my efforts into everything that i do.

Sometimes, it got me thinking that i seriously can't see myself doing anything else but design.
And i know how difficult it is to be in the Design industry but that's what being in poly is all about; to prepare yourself for the real world.
And one thing i have to work on is to stop being afraid, grow and see things in different perspectives.
'Cause you'll never learn anything if you're always at your comfort zone and enclosing yourself to the same bunch of people all the time.
So for year 2, gonna try my best improving my grades and gain as much experience as possible.

This is my brain that's blogging by the way.

School is slack-y.
I don't like it.
One module; Italian.
6pm-9pm everyday.
I haven't been complaining much.
I enjoy Italian class, but not easy.
Then again, nothing in life is easy.
I miss having a lot of assignments.
I miss stressing over projects.
Now, all i have is homework.
Italian class makes me feel like i'm in secondary school all over again.
I miss complaining.
I've been quiet.
I miss design.

I think i have come to a stage in life that my taste in music have mature, tremendously. Been opening up myself to  different genres like psychedelic, funkadelic, electronica, alternative, etc. Definitely love british bands. 'Cause let's face it, i can't stand all the pop songs they've been feeding to youngsters these days.

I remember when i was younger, all i listen to is "noise". Yeah, because i thought i was some hardcore kid. I guess that's just part and parcel of life, you learn from your past/mistakes. And until you reach a certain point in life and reflect, you start to see all the things you wished you hadn't done.

Even with the way i am living life right now. In the next few years' to come, i'd probably be saying what a dick i've been. But that's all in the future. Right now, i'm content with my life and the way i'm living it, and that is what matters the most. I don't need everything to be perfect.

Wow, just by the thought of that makes me feel so old. Can't be forever young, no?

'Bout time I set this record straight
All the needle nose punching is making me irate
Sick of my bitching falling on deaf ears
Where you gonna be in the next five years?

Why do I listen to these kind of songs/music? Even I ask myself why, sometimes. But, meh... I guess it's just who I am, really. No matter how hard I try to change that little part of me, I can't seem to let go. When i listen to certain songs/genres, i get this feeling taking over me. It's that feeling that makes you bob your head or move along with the song. You know? It's one of those unexplainable feelings you get. Sometimes the music i listen to can affect my mood for the day. And metal is one of them.

I never was.
Don't know if i ever will be.

Why?

Why do we hate?
Why do you have the need to impress people?
Why do you have to need to change?
Why do our race and religion defines who we are?
Why do we judge?
Why are we so obsessed?
Why do you have to the need to become popular?
Why do you need so many friends?
Why are you afraid of living your life alone?
Why do you have the need to follow trends?
Why do you have to wear designer clothes?
Why are you so conscience of how you look?
Why are you so sure that love only refers to your significant other?
Why do you have the need to get attention?
What is attention? What will you benefit from it?
Why do you need all the material things in life?
What is your point in life?

Now ask yourself these questions.
I have come to a point where i'm sick and tired of how people see the world. From now on, i'm just gonna live my own way and keep my opinions to myself because the truth is, the word "Trust" have been senselessly used until it has lost it's meaning. And i bet about 90% of the questions i asked is true. Yeah, you might say no but the truth is, you're just too stubborn to admit it. People now have forgotten who they are and where they came from. They depend too much on the media and trying so hard to fit in with the society.

Oh hi. So my blog got even more boring-er. Pretty sure you've notice the change. I wonder who reads my blog. Not even sure kids these days still uses Blogger. Nowadays, they have all the Livejournal, Onsugar, Tumblr shit. Oh yeah, i have a Tumblr, not proud of it though. But i know my limits. I'm still sticking to Blogger, this is where i blab out for real. Because let's face it, whoever reads my blog?

These motherfuckers never fail to make me smile. :)
Can't wait to see them on Thursday.

Me Me Me

Year 1 over.

Joy, can't explain it.

Tired.

Lonely.

Currently trying to finish reading FF's book.

I have so many things to say.

Happy thoughts, misery, hatred.

But i hate how sensitive people are nowadays, i might offend them.

You're already offended, aren't you?

I don't know what i want.

My mind won't stop and tell me what i want. What i want to do.

I don't like followers.

I don't like people having the same things as me.

I don't like people trying to copy my style.

I don't like how people take me for granted.

I don't like girls who only compliments their "girlfriends"

I don't like how people still judge others even when they say they don't judge people.

I don't like not having anybody to talk to.

I don't like how boring i am because all i wanna talk about is Art, Music, Architecture, Design and video games.

I don't like pretending to be fine.

I don't like you

I don't like it when people ask me if i was ok

I don't like how i tend to avoid people when they got close to me

I don't like sharing FarahF with other people

I don't like how i only choose certain people to be close with

I don't like how people still don't seem to understand me

I like how awesome i am

I like how i self-thought myself to play the guitar and piano.

I like how humble i am to let other people have their glory when i accomplish what they have accomplished weeks before they did but never got recognized for it.

I like how i don't like to take credit.

I like how i'm able to paint and draw

I like how i am able to stand on my own

I like how i don't have to rely on anybody.

I like how FarahF is my ONLY movie buddy.

I like how selfish i can be sometimes.

I like how vulnerable i am sometimes.

I like how I don't give a fuck of what people think of me.

I like how people who still can't figure out who i really am even after knowing me for months or years.

I like how i never told people what i just thought of myself.

I don't mind being left alone.

I don't mind being the one at the back of the picture.

I don't mind that the person i care for have no idea how much i care for him.

I don't mind that i'm not the popular one amongst my friends.

I don't mind having only 100+ friends in FB, i don't need that much friends either.

I miss home.

I miss my room.

I miss love.

I miss FarahF

I miss Pudding

I miss having a family

I miss happiness

I miss living

I am numb

I am exhausted

I am exuberant

I am sad

I am in misery

I am skeptical.

See, told you that my mind won't stop.

I love how artistic all their open session videos are.
Love people with real talent.

In 5 days time, all i wanna do is paint, play video games and slack until Year 2 comes.
I'm tired of sleeping on the studio's cold floor.
Submission week starts tomorrow. Gonna prepare for the worst.

Sorry, but i can't live under your rule.
It's ok, i've gotten used to being alone.
My whole life i've been alone.

19

I miss this.

Wanna go bake myself a cake.

It's safe to say that Project 1 is finally over.

And all i have to say is, i had so much fun. These past 2 months have been a hell of a ride.

There was definitely my ups and downs. But i've learned so much. I've learn to love what i do, what i never expect i'm capable of. The past 2 months have showed me what reality is, who were my real friends, who i can trust, who i can rely on and who i should keep myself away from. D:

So P1 ended with PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 1 award ceremony, and it was hysterical. It was the perfect ending after 2 months of a roller coaster ride. Harith organised the whole thing and even bought us gifts.

Yes, i won that. It's an inside joke between me and the EVDians and also Harith and Joshua. It's nice to be recognize for something. But seriously, i couldn't ask for anything else. I enjoyed myself so much. It was fun working with both Harith and Joshua. I treated Harith like a friend even though we have to call him Sir or Mr Harith. I don't know, i got used to calling them just by their name. And Joshua as well. It was an honor to work and present your design to a real architect. And it was nice to be complimented that we did better than what they expected.

Honestly, i didn't expect i did that well too. All i knew was i gave my best and alhamdulilla, i did well. I think? Right now, i'm trying to do my best and get good grades, so that it's easy for me to choose a path for my future career. I still haven't figure out yet what i really wanna do. Most of my friends have already set their minds to join the police force. But not me. I only know one thing's for sure, that design is my future. Fulermak!

Stone Sour

The girls on the streets look all sad in this gold encrusted little town
Why is that? Isn't this the town of dreams?
Yeah, but it comes with a price

It's a town that never does anything and takes all the credit
A place that promises so much and never has a thing to say
Or a care in the world
There is no memory here

No dream for itself but the dreams of others
And all over the world you talk about a place you've only seen in the re-runs
Immortalized by its vice and deified for its carnage
There's money in the air there


All you have to do is reach up and grab it.
In basements, garages, parking lots, empty lots, school yards, town cars,
Back rooms and more
Diamonds are fashioned from expectations and fortified on a steady diet,
Of simple lives and red carpets


The ejaculating zeitgeist in night vision
Culture is a punch line in a motionless blood in the water
The sharks here play games you can't fathom
But you flock here anyway
On college money and credit cards
Spend a week bullshitting yourself that it was all true,


All of it
Just to watch in horror as it all falls into pieces into the gravity of reality
The starry eyes fade as it dawns on you,
Nothing is guaranteed


You are a part of the great divide, the chosen, or the frozen
Now your miles away without an egg,
Your college money is a collage of debt
And your credit cards are all snapped in fucking half.


Time to wander a landscape in berethed of mercy
This is now the back lot of your failed movie
A waking dream re-written without your permission
The real luster, the soft focus, the soap opera vision
Is just the hindsight of a world who's just been lied to
Of sad surfs, and untouchable lords
You took a chance didn't you?


The chance didn't have a par for you this time around
Maybe next life.
And you can't even walk home
The girls on the street all look sad in this cardboard cut-out little town
No wonder, that's the only thing here that's real
The gold is for fools and paradise is lost
But the hungry have never bothered with the cost


Day by day they fall away like rose petals
Like ink that won't dry or fade
It just runs wild down cracks and crevices, grooves and folds
So I hope someone saves you, before you get cold
I really do.


Because the girls are on set in this little black book
If you don't believe me take a closer look.
If you can..?

-The Frozen

Pee 1

Hi.
I'm currently enjoying P1.
I think i'm on the right track.
I haven't had any break since the start of the semester.
My weekends and holidays does not exist.
I need a break. But in a way, i enjoy what i'm doing.
I'd rather be doing something than nothing.
Sometimes, i enjoy staying in school till late at night.
Sometimes, i don't mind not having to sleep before the day of submission.
'Cause i know, i'm not alone. All my course-mates are going through the same thing as i am.
And i love the atmosphere of the studio when everyone's all out and busy doing their work.
It's gives me the motivation to work harder.
Gonna work hard for P1.

Wah, They're singing the song for me!
Got my name!
Hah, i am such an asshole.
I get over excited over small things.
Anyways, Sameer, you handsome ah!

P1 is getting more intense as the day goes by.
Color and Light is ending soon. Thank god.
Half happy, half sad.
I miss FarahF so much.
I won't be able to see her until March comes.
Gonna work hard for P1 once Color&Light ends.

P.S, FarahF lets have lunch at Seoul Garden when we see each other (if i  have money ah).

Still not getting sick of this song.
Glad i found you. :)

Thank god it's Friday.
I hate school. I hate color and light. I hate P1.
Sometimes i really feel like giving up. Sometimes i'm tired of learning.
Sometimes, I just want to sit and paint my whole life.

Color and light is not getting any better.
P1 is fucking confusing. At this point of time, i don't know what to expect.
I hate the feeling of having to drag myself for school every fucking day.
I used to look forward for school. But not anymore.
Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe eventually things will get better.
But having the sharing session with the year 2's just now, doesn't make anything any better.
I'm freaking out more than ever.

Ah yes, school have official begun.
P1 starts tomorrow.
My elective, color and light, is pure physics knowledge.
Apparently i have to write a report stated in my subject brief for color and light.
I cannot remember the last time i wrote a report.
My English language have been deteriorating.
Elective: Year 1,2,3 are combined.
Only made 1 friend today. It's ok, i have Lee
Awkward ambiance.
Thank god, color and light, no group work.
But 7 freaking models to be done + Journal.

Seriously not looking forward for P1
P1 = Project 1 = MAJOR project = 2 freaking months/block.
No fucking around. No time to fuck around.
Weekends does not exist.
Need to be more organised.
Make a weekly schedule! *A MUST
Try to follow schedule. If not, fall behind.
Try not to spend that much money on food even if i have to stay in school till 11 or 12 pm.
Bank account is still bankrupt.
Need money to buy materials.
A lot of spending on materials for these 2 months.

REMEMBER: 3.5 GPA.
Need to tattoo this down in my head.

NY

Oh hai. I am here to rant again. It seems like all i do here is rant and complain. Oh wellzxz. My blog, my say.
Today's issue is the New Year. Well, i am sick and tired of people hoping that the new year would be better than the last. Every fucking year, i've had people saying, blogging or facebook-ing about it.

And when the time comes to celebrate the coming of the new year, i have people saying, "this year sucked! i hope the new year will be better!" or somewhere along the line. The problem with these people is because all they do is sit around and wait for a miracle to fall in front of their eyes. You can't just HOPE and expect everything to fall into place. Yes, i've seen people like these. All they do is whine and complain and expect everything to be perfect without putting any effort into it.

It's like asking for money from god and expecting it to fall right from the sky and into your hands in that instant. Wah, like that, everyday i will ask favor from god, or pray whenever i need something from Him. Which is bullshit. God can only show us the path to our needs, we, on the other hand, have to make the initiative and effort to reach for our goals. Same goes with our new year resolutions, no point listing down the things to achieve in the new year when all you do is sit around and wait - figuratively speaking.

Just cause it's already 1-1-11, it doesn't change a thing. People still treat you the same way they did on 31-12-10. The same people who have been stabbing you in the back is still stabbing you. I still feel the same as i did a few minutes ago. Today, everybody's wishing you a happy new year. By tomorrow, they're back to their same old routine. Am i right or am i right?!

New Year or not, it's YOU who make the change not the YEAR.